Not A Bridesmaid... a Comedy of Acceptance
I have been in 14 weddings in my life. I am not sure but that seems like a lot for one person. I have read scriptures and poems, ushered people to their seats, and stood in the solemn line of men as a groomsman. But for this moment, I want to tell you about 1 wedding in particular. In 2011, my friend, Rhonda, was getting married and I was asked to be a part of her wedding as a groomsman. Unbeknownst to me the transition to becoming a bridesmaid had begun.
A few months later, I, along with 3 other friends (all girls) hosted a “Round the Clock Shower.” How many of you here know what that is? It is a themed shower in which you are assigned a time and your gift reflects something you can use at that time. This is a shower that is for men and women to attend. So, I am still a groomsman.
A few weeks later, I was invited to a standard bridal shower with cake, mints, punch and bridal games. I wasn’t the only guy at this shower but I knew that I was really stretching it to count the other two 8 year old boys in mix. By the time I was leaving, I had two people tell me, Shawn you are a bridesmaid. I quickly and politely responded. Nope I’m a groomsman.
From this point on anytime the conversation of the wedding came up… I was told… Bridesmaid and I responded… Groomsman.
The day before the wedding, I was instructed to be at the mother of the bride’s house for lunch. I found myself sitting on the couch in the living room surrounded by the maid of honor, the bridesmaids and a lot of women. We had just finished eating a fancy lunch and I observed huh I am the only man here. As the bride, gave each person in wedding party a gift. It dawned on me… I am at the bridesmaid luncheon and UGH! I am a bridesmaid!
A side note: When you grown up being called words to indicate you are less than a man, realizing that you are a bridesmaid set me into a spiral of emotions mainly shame.
For the record, during the wedding I wore a tux and stood on the side of the groom but what happened next was a complete surprise to everyone but mainly myself. At the reception, it came time for the bride to throw the bouquet. As the call for single ladies went out, I found myself in the middle of the crowd of single ladies. I looked at the woman beside me and said, “I am a bridesmaid, and I am going to show you how this is done. I will throw an elbow, shove or whatever it takes to catch this.” As you can see from the picture, I nailed it and no elbow was thrown.
This story is not really about defying gender norms. It is about the boxes I have been told to get in and chose to put myself to fit in. The story is about self-acceptance and authenticity. This memory is impactful because being a bridesmaid allowed me to show up fully with myself. I did not overthink or criticize myself into submission. Instead, I stood in the middle of the crowd and caught the bouquet. I was my light (the things I love about myself) and my shadow (the things I don’t like and try to keep hidden). In this moment, I was all these things. I was authentically me and I was free.
